Walking around the empty paint ball field. It is fenced in. Workers swept it for people before they left. We've been here ever since. No one is in there. There is no chance that someone is in there. But as a woman. I am conditioned that when I walk around a new area, to be wary. To be afraid of a guy lurking in the corners. It's not paranoia. It is how we are raised and conditioned. This world is not safe for us. Men hunt us.
May 20, 2022
That one time I dated this guy who was .... less than intelligent. But I didnt know it. He was really nice to look at. He had this great log cabin type home, rustic but beautiful. It had character. It did not, however have heat...but I digress. His house was decorated for Halloween, but in an adult sort of way, skulls and candelabras. I palmed the skull and made a Hamlet reference. But I always forget the skull's name (Yorick) and I tried to make conversation around that. He looked upon me as if I had 8 heads. You know, Hamlet? Shakespeare? His eyes remained vacant. "I never saw it." Or read it ... or...
He sure was pretty though.If I ever thought I could go without my anti-depression meds, I will remind myself of this week.
I was out of said meds. I can usually go 2 days - by the 2nd day, I start to experience withdrawal symptoms. Of course the first couple of times, I didn't realize they were withdrawal symptoms. Thank you Google: fatigue, nausea, vertigo, mood swings and flu-like symptoms. "FLU-LIKE" symptoms is a good way to describe it. Just overall not feeling well.
This wasn't the usual me waiting until last minute to pick them up - it was a combination of the meds being at the wrong pharmacy, and the fact that I didn't have the money to get them.
I had literally $22 dollars in my bank account. And my car was nearly on E. It was Tuesday & Wednesday, and I get paid on Friday. I dug up a $5 bill out of my purse to get a container of Milk. I don't usually carry cash, but this was left over from something. By the next night, day one of withdrawal, the physical symptoms were in full force. For lack of a better term, its a general "I don't feel well" state. But I've learned, I am not sick. By day 2 - the mental affect was dire.
Hopeless - thinking there is no release/relief. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. My life will always be this struggle.
The thought that so many people have better lives, better circumstances. and not a jealousy of that, but rather the fact that I am no different than any of those people. But they made better choices in their life to get them where they are.
this should be dated 5/12/2022 .... I'm ok now. Refilled prescription and all that.
